March 4, 2009

****EDITED TO FOREWARN: There are many more explitives than the norm in this post. When I typed the post, I was a TAD freaked out and my emotions were high...hence the cussing. If it bothers you, or you will be offended, please do not read this post :) I don't normally get so riled up, but you'll see WHY I was so riled up as you read. My appologies if my "excitement" offends ;)*****

I have to tell you about my night last night. It was hell to say the very least.

Let me preface all of this by saying that I have been feeling great. My pain has now turned to discomfort, and is VERY manageable. I took 1 Vicodin yesterday morning about 7:30. My pain is usually the worst first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. But all day yesterday I felt GREAT, so I started taking Tylenol for the pain, and it worked just fine! I was thrilled, because the SOONER I can get off the juice, the sooner I can stop dumping all my breastmilk! So, yesterday, Tuesday, I took 1 Vicodin at 7:30, then Extra Strength Tylenol for the rest of the day and felt very manageable.

I noticed at about 8:30 as Curt and I were watching one of our taped shows together that I felt jittery. I felt like I just needed to move my legs, so I moved my feet and legs around, and Curt thought I was being silly. I also noticed that I was THINKING about things that I hadn't in the previous week...worrying about them (stupid little things). I felt like I was coming out of a fog. I never realized the effects of those narcotics on me, but they took my pain away, and had a HUGE calming/relaxing effect as well. I never felt like that made me sleepy, but I was WIDE asss awake, even as it was bedtime. But alas, it was time to get ready for bed, so we did, and I got into the recliner, which I've been commanded by the surgeon to sleep in given my current state of affairs, and started to read my book. As I read my book and sat in the recliner, I felt every last uncomfortable spot in that recliner and KNEW I was in for trouble. I finished reading, reclined back slightly, and tried to sleep, knowing full well that tonight's sleep was going to be very different than the past 7 nights of medicated sleep. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't even think about sleep. I couldn't get comfortable to save my soul, and my mind was RACING by this point. And, the jitters continued. I had to move my legs and shift my hips (and when you have an incision from hip to hip that's great ). HAD to. Really. I had to. I couldn't stop it. So I figured I was super uncomfortable in that chair, so I took my 0239438 pillows and blankets and propped up on the couch to try and sleep. Again. Mind was racing...super uncomfortable.....back to the chair (which we have in our room). It was by this time about midnight. Alec woke up....and I commented to Curt that it was a wretched tragedy that I couldn't just take care of him, since I was wide asss awake anyhow, but since I can't lift him, there's no point. But, I got up and kept Curt company anyhow as he fed him. (Alec's got a cold so I wanted to listed to his breathing anyhow). Curt then tells me that he thinks we should try to get me situated in bed with 2930 pillows around me (I'm not allowed to lay flat on my back or to roll over b/c of the incision and the muscular repairs that need time to heal).

So, Alec gets back to bed, and Curt gets me all comfied up in bed....but I can't stop moving Literally. Legs...arms....up....down.... I tell Curt that I think I need him to rub my back, or stroke my hair (or I feel like I need him to squeeze me so tight so that I can just calm DOWN), so he does, which feels WONDERFUL. And for the time that he does that, I stop flailing around. I feel calm...I feel relaxed, and I tell him that he can stop, because by NOW it's 12:30 or 1 am and poor Curt has to WORK tomorrow. The minute he stops, my restlessness comes FLOODING back. And I literally can't stop it. I sit up, try to lay on my other side, nope. Then I cry. Sob actually (which does hurt). I am absolutely fucking exhausted, but can't slow my body down enough to just RELAX. I give up. Curt totes me and my 9230934 gallons of pillows and blankets BACK to the couch, where I again commence to attempt to sleep...which surprisingly....I can't I chat on the computer a bit, surf the net, pump (afterall, it is now 3:00 am). By that time, I am about to call myself into the looney bin. I am fucking EXHAUSTED, but can't stop my mind going at warp speed and my body, that by this point, has moved from feeling restless, to all out "tick" type symptoms. I had to wave my arms in the air several times because I felt like I needed to MOVE. Oh, and I went to the bathroom, diarrhea, for the SECOND time that night (which is so not me)....glad I could share that last visual with you. So I look up withdrawl symptoms of Percoset and find this:


Abruptly stoping or reducing the intake of Percocet can cause severe withdrawal symptoms. These begin six to eight hours after the last dosage.Percocet Withdrawal symptoms include but are not limited to:
-feeling as though you have the flu.
-gastrointestinal distress YES---Check.
-anxiety-- Whoaaaaaaaa boy yes---Check.
-nausea
-insomnia-- Well that's a big fucking yes.
-pain
-fevers
-sweating-- Yep

And withdrawl symptoms of Vicodin:

The symptoms of Vicodin withdrawal include but are not limited to:
-restlessness--- YES
-muscle pain
-bone pain
-insomnia--- More yes
-diarrhea--- Again yes
-vomiting
-cold flashes
-goose bumps
-involuntary leg movements--- Weird, didn't I just describe this?
-watery eyes
-runny nose
-loss of appetite
-irritability---yes
-panic---ohhh yes
-nausea
-chills
-sweating

And it hits me like a big fucking slap in the face. I am having PHYSICAL symptoms from stopping that medicine. Holy.fucking.sh*t. And then...at that very moment...I absolutely, COMPLETELY understood, from the depths of my soul, how people become addicted to pain killers. My body was LITERALLY trying to adjust to NOT being on these pain killers that I ABSOLUTELY NEEDED to take for one week. ONE WEEK. Not one week of abuse. One week of thereputic useage for pain management. Curt wrote down the TIMES of my last dose, so that I didn't take too much. Even after the doctor gave me the okay to take one every 2 hours (since 1 every 4-6 wasn't cutting it, and the script said 1-2 every 4-6 hours), I didn't. The closest I ever took them to one another was 3.5 hours, and that was for PAIN, not because I had a twitch and lulled it. PHYSICAL WITHDRAWL SYMPTOMS. Holy holy holy sh*t.

I can't lie to you. I did think about just taking one, or even a half to take the physical symptoms away, and then wean off of it more gradually, but pushed that thought out of my head as quickly as it entered. I will NOT have an OUNCE of that in my body ANYMORE, even if it means a night of hell. I will NOT allow my body to NEED narcotics. Right now, there is no addiction, no NEED to take it, but my body is ALREADY feeling the results of not having it on board and relearning how to funciton without it. Wow. So...I pumped, I had a drink of Gatorade (I should have had a beer), and I tried again to sleep on the couch. I pulled the blankets up over my head so only my face was out, in the hopes that it would calm my system enough to sleep, and it worked. I got 3.5 blissful hours of sleep on the couch until my sweet little girl put the remote in my hand and asked me to turn Max and Ruby on for her.But holy sh*t. WHAT a scary feeling. What a scary night. Wow. Just fucking wow.