February 7, 2007

So, a few people know, but most do not...Curt and I are officially TTC #2. I really wasn't trying to keep anything a secret, but because of my fertility problems, I really wasn't all gung ho on telling everyone all about it either, because then I get a zillion people asking me if I'm pregnant yet (to which I think "no I'm not asshole and if I WAS don't you think I'd have told you"), or if I've tried this or that or whatever else to GET pregnant. I simply can't handle that. The fertility problems are stressful enough and then the questions and ignorant people really get the best of me. I just decided that this time I'd be more quiet about TTC to avoid the unnecessary stress that I went thru when TTC Olivia. It's a sensitive, difficult topic for me. But...there are many things wearing (sp?) on me and I really feel like it'd be helpful if I shared.

Here's where it gets long.

FIRST the educational piece:
First I want to explain WHAT exactly is wrong with me (fertility wise). I have a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The condition causes several follicles to begin to mature, but then none become dominant and release an egg. In a NORMAL cycle, a few folicles develop but eventually one dominant follicle takes over, matures, and releases an egg (ovulation). I don't have that...my eggies are broken. I have irratic cycles...somtimes they're 6 weeks long, sometimes 4 sometimes 8....my body is simply effed. I also feel it is important to note that I am a very Atypical case of PCOS.

The symptoms of PCOS are as follows:
*infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
*infertility or inability to get pregnant because of not ovulating
*high levels of androgens (no I am not a man)
*increased growth of hair on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
*acne, oily skin, or dandruff
*pelvic pain
*weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
*type 2 diabetes
*high cholesterol
*high blood pressure
*male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
*patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
*skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
*sleep apnea-excessive snoring and breathing stops at times while asleep

MOST with PCOS have some pretty sever problems with weight, body hair among the other things listed. None of which do I have. I have the first three...which I highlighted. (I found out about my androgen level being higher when we were TTC Olivia).

DRUGS: To GET pregnant, I FIRST have to take a drug used for diabetics called Metformin. PCOS messes with Insulin (hense the higher incidence of Type 2 diabetes among us PCOSers), and apparently this is supposed to help regulate my body. It's great and fine, but is extremely HARSH on your body. It makes you ILL when you begin it..VERY ill. But...I've been on it for a while to prepare my body to act normal again (ha!), so those s/e are over. They want you on the Metformin SEVERAL months before TTC. THEN when we're ready to actually TRY, I get to take a fertility drug. So far it's been Clomid, but they have another one out now too. Everyone that I tell I need fertility drugs asks me if I'm gonna have 6 babies. The answer is not likely. That does not GENERALLY happen with Clomid (a pill). That is often with the injectibles that are higher powered and create several eggs. THEN my doctor expects that I will take ovulation tests (she wants two a day...I do one a day...they're effin expensive). She also likes me to chart..as in take your temperature, watch your fertility signs (these may oog people out so if you want more detail let me know but I'll keep it simple for now). Intercourse is precisely timed. It's all very romantic.

ME and my Saga. FF to my story.
I am just finishing my second month of the Clomid (our second month TTC). I really didn't think that I'd get super invested/emotional about it. The first month I didn't do my temperature...just did the Ovulation tests and timed sex that way. No baby. This month, I did the temperature, everything looked great, and today I am starting to spot, meaning AF is on her way tonight, tomorrow for sure. I'm SO disappointed. SO sad. My heart just hurts having to do this all over again. It's SUCH a process and is SO emotional. Not to mention we get 6 months and that's it. Uggh. I HATE this. I hate not knowing IF we'll get pregnant b/c of my issues. I hate wondering if it's going to take us 3 months or 53 months. It is such a sinking feeling. I feel so helpless. It's just something so uncontrollable. I was SO hopeful...my chart looked SO good this month (if anyone's ever interested in fertility or charting...dude...I'm an expert). Perfect really. I was going to test tomorrow. Now...why bother I'm spotting and AF is coming. Onto ANOTHER month. ANOTHER fucking month of all of the above mentioned. It just wears on me. It's difficult. I'm sad. Very sad. So sad I just couldn't keep it in any longer. I need your love and support. I need you to love me up and help me know that it's okay for my heart to hurt. I just need to cry but the tears won't come (I'm so not a crier). I just had to share. I may need to periodically update you...for my own sanity. There's only so much female talk one husband can take.

Please...PLEASE (begging). Do not tell me that "it'll happen," or "in God's time," or to "relax." I know I sound harsh...but you simply don't say that to people struggling with infertility. Unless you've walked the walk and experienced it first hand...please. I welcome support... I'm very sensitive about it...and I guess I just wanted to warn you is all. I welcome questions. Really. Just be sensitive...cause I sure as hell am.