September 18, 2008

Evan continues to do well! He has not had any more blood in his stool since Monday, so that has been good news! Today, he had his tummy tube that did the suction (used to be active suction, and yesterday & today was with gravity) taken out! Actually, he PULLED it out and the neonatologist told him that he did it on cue as she just wrote the orders for it to be discontinued. Silly boy! And his X-Ray for today was NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooo hooooooooooo! His doctor is so pleased in fact that she said that she will not be doing any further x-rays unless Evan "acts up" or shows some signs that he needs to be looked at again by x-ray. Evan is back on his TPN, although I think he started that yesterday afternoon. His tummy remains soft, which is GREAT! And today, he was FAR less irritable. He let us hold him without waking the entire NICU with his preemie squack. Hahaha. Actually, right now, he doesn't have his suction tube in his nose anymore, and has NO NG tube for feedings (like you've seen previously...the little orange tube), so he's TUBELESS on his face right now (until he gets to start eating again in about a week). I will try and take a picture of his sweet little face!!! The doctor is not certain if he'll be on NEC treatment (gut rest and antibiotics) for the full 10 days or less....truly, either way is just fine with me. I just want him to continue to do well!!! I also saw Evan have two episodes of bradycardia (drop in heartrate) today...one at 2:30 or so, and one at 7:00 pm or so. I talked with the pm nurse a little about it and she said that it was very normal for kids at this age. She said that many have episodes where they stop breathing, and he is not doing that. She said that he will eventually just grow out of it. Still, that is scary to see his heartrate drop!!!

Alec...our little sweet Alec. The doctor told me that this morning they saw a SMALL streak of blood in his diaper, and I almost fell off my chair : She gave me the "calm down Becki" talk because she feels strongly that it was caused by irritation from the suppositories that they give to help with pooping. He had the small streak in the morning, and a "tiny little fleck" at his 2:30 pm change. The doctor changed the order from one suppository per shift as needed to one per day as needed. He has had little to no residuals before feeds, so that is great, and has been behaving himself. Still, mommy worries and I can't help but feel worried about the blood. I pray pray pray it's nothing. I can't even FATHOM doing this with Alec too :( Our doctor has been very straight forward with us, letting us know when to worry, and she assures us that she does not believe it to be anything but irritation, but that they are watching him closely. Please join our prayers that he continues to do well and that the blood was nothing like they think. I can't help but worry. He is up to 18 cc of breastmilk and doing well. Good work buddy! And lastly, his weight is up to (drumroll please)...3 lb 12.8 oz! Our little linebacker....hahahaha.

Today was the best day for ME so far too physically. I felt VERY good today. I have some lingering pain, on my left side. Who knows why, but today was very minimal! I even felt well enough to make our dinner for us tonight! It feels nice to be getting back to myself slowly!!! Yay. Pumping is going well also! It's important to get 8-10 pumping sessions per day, and I've been writing down each time I pump in order to keep track, and I've been getting in 8 sessions usually! I've also been making a good amount of milk, so I'm greatful! I feel good, VERY good, about being able to give the boys that gift...so many immunities for preemies (and newborns)...so much GOOD stuff in there for them. It is the BEST thing for them, and I feel very good that I have been able to give it to them. I feel like I'm at least doing SOMETHING to help.

This NICU stuff is getting harder and harder for me...for us. My HEAD knows that they are EXACTLY where they need to be. They are learning to do everything that they need in order to come home. They simply are not ready to come home and I am WELL aware of that. Still, my heart is getting sad. More and more by the day. *I* think that each and every day that we see them, we grow more and more and more attached to them. I LOVE them SO damn much already. My heart hates that they are there. I miss them. I feel like a piece of me is not WITH me, and it leaves an empty spot...a hole... I see moms out with their tiny babies in carseats...and I feel sad. Maybe, just MAYBE a little bitter or jealous even. I feel bad even SAYING that. I would not wish the NICU on ANYone, but I wish that *I* was out with MY babies :(

I miss them I want to be there with them I want them here with me...with our family...where they belong. I want them to be big, healthy newborns that get to just come home with you like everyone else. I miss them. This NICU is hard stuff. I wish I knew WHEN...how LONG until they'd be home, so at least I'd know. But I don't. AND...it likely will be quite a while yet ESPECIALLY for Evan. Uggh. This is harder than I expected. I was able to follow my HEAD so well at first, KNOWING they needed to be there and KNOWING that they had work to do before coming home. My head still knows this is the case, but damn. I love them. And BOY do I miss them.

I pray they grow, get well, and come home to us soon.