September 8, 2008

This week has been an overwhelming roller coaster to say the VERY least We expected a routine doctor visit on Monday, and it ABSOLUTELY Was not. Problems started IMMEDIATELY. The nurse could NOT get them both on the monitor, and tried for almost an hour. She was pushing, prodding, adjusting and well..doing her damndest to get both of their heartbeats on the monitor. Damn kids. The doctor came in and did a portable ultrasound to find out their positions and she did get them both on the monitor.

Well, the fun did not stop there. Baby A (Evan) looked good. His heartrate was variable, fluxuating as it should. Baby B's heartbeat was NOT variable. They called it "boring." Usually they have me drink 329 gallons of ICE water to get him moving, but before they could do that, I started contracting. The nurse joked that the BH contrax were because she was messing with me so much. She was PUSHING and prodding for an hour or so by this time remember, and it caused my uterus to become a little irritable. So whatever.

Then Baby B (Alec) did something that the doctor was not pleased with. After a contraction, his heartrate dropped from the 120s to the 80s. At first I said, "oh, that must be picking up MY heartrate." My doctor stared at the machine and said, "Well, I'm really not so sure of that." And we all watched as his heartrate went right back up very shortly after the contraction So yeah it was his heartrate. The doctor told us that he was sending us to labor and delivery for monitoring. He wanted us to do a biophysical profile ultrasound, which is an in-depth ultrasound that measures gross motor movement, fine motor movement, breathing, amniotic fluid, and then the NST (which he failed). After about 45 minutes they did get Baby B to "pass" the biophysical profile testing, so the doctor said that he'd like to keep me overnight, hooked to the monitors and redo the biophysical profile tomorrow. He checked me, and I was at 2 cm and 75% effaced (last week I was a fingertip and 50%).

So, after we found out that I would be spending the night, I sent Curt home to get my overnight bag (which coincidentally I had packed THAT weekend!), and get some dinner. We had already called for Grandpa Mike to pick up Olivia. Curt was going to go get my bag, see Olivia, eat dinner, watch a LITTLE of the Packer game, and then come back up. Actually, I rushed him out so that he could get back! We even talked about whether or not he should put Olivia to bed, or have my mom do it, and decided he'd do it, so she wouldn't be without her parents ALL day at school and all night!

Let me say here, that my doctor is VERY thorough. To a fault even. He brings his patients in for LOTS of monitoring, which I'm sure some like, and some think is over the top. I've never felt it was over the top, and appreciated that he watched me like a hawk.

Well, my "Braxton Hicks" contractions continued. Then the nurse came in and said that the doctor had just called down and was not happy with the contractions, as the baby's heart was continuing to decel, and Dr. felt like baby B was in distress. He was coming down to look at the tracing further, and I needed to prepare myself in case babies had to come TONIGHT.

I call Curt back and tell him the news, and he's talking with his mom telling her the news. He's shaken, but okay. Then the doctor comes in and tells me that Baby B is not happy inside, and that it is a tough call for doctors, and they need to weigh the need for the babies to grow INSIDE of their momma, get big and strong, and grow with the SAFETY of keeping them inside. And, at this time, Baby B is telling us that he is no longer SAFE inside of me. He's in distress, and they need to get him out. He checks me (less than 30-45 minutes later) and I am now at a 3-4 cm, and clearly in preterm labor Dispite the fact that Baby A is head down, Baby B is not tolerating labor, and an emergency C-Section is needed. I was sad, I was scared, but I knew I needed to be brave for my sons I asked if we could wait for my husband, and the doctor aske me how long it would take for him to get back...10 minutes. He said yes, but I needed to call him right now.

I call Curt and tell him to get his asss back here, and explain. He said that he whipped a U turn and got back her in 15 minutes. My doctor asked THREE times if Curt was on his way. It was clear that he was worried and that he wanted to get it going.

Curt got back, he was promptly changed into the scrubs that they had here waiting. I was wheeled to the waiting ER, with two baby heaters and a waiting NICU team with nurses and the neonatologist. I have my spinal, and am moved to the OR bed, and the C-Section begins. I could feel some tears in my eyes as I looked up at Curt, who was FINALLY let into the OR (they make the husbands wait until the spinal is done, and right before the c-section begins), and told him that I was scared.

Out they came. Evan first, and he cried a tiny little cry I couldn't see him and they wheeled him over in his isolette to see me, but I couldn't really see him They were holding C-Pap on him, and he was doing okay on the c-pap and not in need of intubation. Then came Alec, and I could see them carry him to his warmer (I didn't see them bring Evan over), and I could SEE how small he was I remember saying to Curt "He's so little. Oh my gosh." Little did I know he'd be 3lb 9 oz...smaller than we thought. OH what a fighter he is though!!!

Curt had the chance to stay with me in the OR or go to the NICU, and he looked at me, clearly not wanting to abandon me, but I wanted him to go with the babies. I told him to go ahead with the babies, and pay close attention to everything so that he can fill me in on every last detail. I was wheeled back to my room, and waited as the anesthetic wore off. When it was worn off a bunch, they helped me sit up with an attempt to take me down to see the babies. The babies were born at 7:13 and 7:15 pm, and it was 10 pm or so. I got VERY dizzy when they tried to sit me up, so I layed back down for a while. I was DETERMINED to see them, and sat my bed up a few degrees every so often, and by 11 pm, was upright enough to go down! My sweet small boys Both were on C-Pap but were doing well.

Baby A Evan was 4 lb 11 oz, 18 inches
Baby B Alec was 3 lb 9 oz, 17 inches

In the meantime, since then, Alec (baby has proven to be our fiesty little dude. They explained that since he was stressed in the womb, that his lungs were more developed than his brothers. He was off C-pap yesterday afternoon And by yesterday night, they tried a 2 cc bottle with him. Babies at 34 weeks don't know how to suck, swollow, breathe, so he had one suck or two, then the bottle would be removed to have him breathe. His Daddy got to hold him while he took his first sips.

I have been pumping in attempts to give them breastmilk (colostrum). You all know how I am with breastfeeding (I hate it), but they explained to me that all preemies body systems are immature. They have to learn how to breathe, which is the first task. Then they have to learn how to eat and digest, and babies have a hard time with this too. Breasmilk is much easier for them to digest, so as awful as I am at it, and as much as I hate it, I would do anything for these little guys, and pump religiously every 3 hours. Sometimes I get some liquid gold (colostrum) and sometimes nothing, as I wait for my milk to come in. I do feel good about giving them what I do get though, knowing it's SO good for them.

We've gotten to hold Alec 3-4 times, and hold Evan for the first time today They explained that preemies are often stressed by holding at first, and it actually takes energy for them. They lose heat (as they are still in heated isolettes) and burn calories, etc. We are thrilled to hold them and be with them whenever we can!

Things this time are so different. It's very hard being the mom of a preemie. Your baby is not in your room with you. You don't get to hold them 24/7 and bond with them. You don't get to uncover them, and study their 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes, and figure out who they look like, and gush. Instead, you hold them when you can, you learn as much as you can about their care, and you wait. You wait and love them with everything you have and you pray for them to continue to grow big and strong and come home with you. My heart is sad that they came to early, but so greatful. We have since learned that the cord for Baby B (Alec) was wrapped tightly around his body, through his legs, and around his neck, so at every contraction, it was stretched even tighter. We are lucky it was caught on an NST or it could have been fatal One nurse that was in the delivery room, told us that it was wrapped the tightest she's EVER seen While my heart hurts that I didn't get the "normal" delivery and to pack my baby boys up in their carseats for a ride home on Friday, it overflows with gratitude that they're alive, and are healthy (relatively speaking of course!).

Do I feel ready to be a preemie mom? Am I ready to walk out the hospital doors without my sons? What a complicated thing to think about. Would I have planned for it to be that way...absolutely not. Would I ever WANT it to be that way...absolutely not. Will it break my heart a little to leave them here...yes, I'll be sad. But...they are here. They are breathing. They are making strides every day, and they are....alive. Without sounding overdramatic, my Alec could have died on Monday...but instead he lived. He is the one that is in the NICU breathing room air, and fighting like hell. His brother is an equal miracle. I will be sad and long for them until they're home with us, but forever greatful for the whirlwind at the same time.

My boys are fighters. They had to fight like hell to get INTO this world (at both conception and at birth) and I know they'll continue to fight, and will be home with us soon.

They tell us to expect that they could be in as long as to their due date (or longer). Of course, their hope is less than that, but we will walk the path that THEY take us down, and the'll come home when they are ready.

*I* am doing okay. Healing from the C-Section. It's painful, but really, better than I thought it would be. I've not taken any pain medication since the surgery except ibuprofen, and feel greatful to have had a relatively smooth recovery myself. While I'm not here running marathons, I'm certainly doing well.

Olivia is doing well. She was worried about mommy being in the hospital, but has since come up to visit and sees that Momma is just fine She is excited about her brothers, and has been to the NICU 3 times to see them. The first, the boys were too unstable to be held or touched, and she tried feverishly to put her hands into the isolette holes (which are not open) to "pet" them...a bit miffed that she couldn't touch them. The second, I was able to hold Alec, and she could "pet" his head, which she loved. We have doted on her, given her the bitty baby twin dolls (which she named Alec and Evan) and her double stroller. We've talked her up, and I've told her 23903 times that I love her. She has petted my face sweetly and told me how much she loves me too, so clearly she is feeling like something is up right now too. She is doing great!

So, please keep the prayers coming. Prayers that my boys continue to do well and come home to us soon. Love you all. Thanks for your love right back.